Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family