Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK