Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*