Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
You Might Also Like
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”