Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga Matt

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.