Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
trivia
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.