Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.