Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Lmaoo 😂
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.