Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.