Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Monday Lisa
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
