Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

This poor dog

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably