Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Please vote for people who are attractive

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.