Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.