Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.