Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes