Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.

So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.