Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Vodka burrito was a success

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

yeah 😭

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble