Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.