Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

doing some research

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.