Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.