Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.