Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes