Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

I feel seen.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Bear

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.