Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

😸

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.