Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Happy Thanksgiving

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”