Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay