Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.