Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Double negatives are never not confusing.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

😂

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.