Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

Saturday

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.