Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.