Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.