Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

uncle dave has been through hell

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.