Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1484828635685171201/pu/vid/640x360/ctOHt8Tc7SyjonIC.mp4?tag=12

lmaaaaaooooooooo

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

A Short Story.

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear