Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.