Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover