Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

man: wait

time: no

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.