Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Breaking news:

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.