Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.