Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.