Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.