Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning