Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

due date

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.