Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.


Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”


Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.


Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.


[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*


[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go


All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam