@isabelzawtun

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

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@NorCalBratt

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.

@NoorShamma

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@ehdannyboy

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@EyalTweet

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

@IchBin_Rob

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck

@iwearaonesie

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam