Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You Might Also Like
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running