Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?