prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .