prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Canada has crack?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?