prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Proctologist = Analyst
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
This could be us… but you playing
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A Monday every week is excessive
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.