prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.