Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Oops 🤭

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”