Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

This is true.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.