PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
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my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.