Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.
Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.
Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”
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Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?