“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
You Might Also Like
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”