@rolldiggity

Prince: “The slipper fits! You’re the girl I met!”
Girl: “I wasn’t even at the ball. This is a common shoe size.”
Prince: “YOU’RE THE GIRL!”

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@InsouciantMan

Wife just looked at an 8″x8″ picture and estimated it to be 12″x12″.

Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

@ohpeetie

I feel sorry for kids today but mostly because their cartoons are terrible.

@girlontapas

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

@SINGING_GHOSTS

i imagine my dog spends a lot of time thinking about how tall i am and how great it is to have a giant as a best friend who can reach treats

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

@delusions_of

We’re born alone. We die alone. And in between we search for our car keys alone.