Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Webb. James Webb.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

🤣🤣🤣

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off