Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.