Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
You Might Also Like
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Is this a threat?
