Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
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Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.