Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*