Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.