Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money