Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

as is their right

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.