Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.