PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.