PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
It’s an epidemic…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…