Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉