Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Just as the prophecy foretold

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

A dead goose is called a ghoost

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.