Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.

Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.