Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

😆

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.