Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

ㅤ

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.