Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The days of good grammer has went
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Showerkraut
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
