Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
