Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
im 7 sauces long
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”