Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You Might Also Like
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days