Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You Might Also Like
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.