Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue