Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

My love language is deader than Latin

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.