Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

You know…for fall…

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no