PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
