principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Cardio Made Easy
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
you’re damn right i have
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.