principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose