Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.

Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

“what that mouth do?” complain

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA