Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

stand with me against insufficient seating

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Heroic Misunderstanding