Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

sliding into dms like

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

…u ok Nintendo?

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.