Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.