[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are