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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Running from your problems is cardio .
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.