Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

Hear me out: WrestleVania

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.