Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

Schrödinger’s cookie

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.